The famous 19th
century writer and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson stated, “Our distrust is very
expensive.” It’s true, if we lack trust in others we suffer an extreme form of
isolation. A good example of the chaos that can result from distrust gone array
is what happened in Colorado on July 20, 2012.
James Holmes, a
24 year old man, who a few months before had a life of possibility, apparently
developed a distrust so insidious and toxic that he collapsed his life and
simply closed down from all society. Former FBI profiler Brad Garrett stated on
CTV’s Canada AM, “His behavior changed erratically and suddenly. When you start
to distrust everyone you have an extreme form of isolation and we can all go
off the rails in regards to our thinking.”
Trust is not
actually a given and some can not help but come into a new relationship riddled
with a sense of distrust. For example many who struggle with Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder often find trust a constant tug of war. However, in an attempt
to build relationships and end their own isolation that same individual might
decide they will trust until the other is proven untrustworthy.
Our western
judicial system begins from a place of trust; that being, all are innocent
until proven guilty. As young children we begin our life psychologically from a
place of trust. An infant holds a pure trust, a perfect trust which ‘just is’.
However, this state of perfect trust is fleeting and even if our parents do not
violate it, we as humans will never know it again.
So how then will trust look as we
age? As we grow our trust will no longer
‘just be’ as when we were infants. Rather, our psychological trust in others will
have to develop. The most recent theory on trust maintains people obtain and
sustain certain patterns with regards to trust.
In this theory, trust in relationships develops in stages. Each stage is
built on a foundation of ability, integrity, and benevolence. So the more we
see these behaviors in another person the more we trust that person.
The first stage of trust development is
calculus based. We look at someone and we decide subconsciously what are the
rewards for trusting that person and what are the threats should he/she violate
our trust. Then we continue to calculate and we subconsciously decide if the rewards
will out weight the threats. If the rewards are greater we will begin to form a
calculus based trust. This first stage of trust is a cognitive trust which is
grounded in the dependability of the one who is being trusted.
The second stage of the development of
trust is more emotional then the former. As two individuals successfully
navigate through the calculus based trust stage they might-- if it is
appropriate to do so-- move to the second stage of trust development. With a
better understanding of one another and a more extensive personal history they
may actually realize that they share the same goals and values. With this awareness
their trust will grow to a higher level that is referred to as identification-based
trust.
Identification-based trust is more
emotional than calculus-based trust. Two individuals who have developed an identification-
based trust will understand each other to the point where they will be acting
on the others interest and subsequently an emotional bond develops.
Identification-based trust is a rich, quality type of trust built on a
foundation of emotions.
Psychological trust is not a given. We
can not be expected to trust everyone we meet. Yet if we distrust everyone we
meet we will never be able to build trustworthy relationships and will live our
life in a severe state of isolation. This type of isolation can lead all of us
to behavior that is regrettable. We are social beings and we need to have some
socialization to function in a productive way. So what can we do when our trust
for whatever reason has been betrayed?
What we must do is subconsciously or
conscious decide to build trust with another. As our personal history develops
with another and we find they are trustworthy, so to will a rich, emotionally
based trust: the most rewarding and nurturing of the two stages of trust.